The Church At Ephesus: A Study of Revelations

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Recently, I was taking a look at the Book of Revelation during my Bible reading time. I like to read the Book of Revelation from time to time in order to see if any of the current events seem to be lining up with the prophecies recorded there. Now, prophecy is a tricky thing. You can’t definitely say that Scripture has been fulfilled unless Jesus has said that Scripture has been fulfilled. I’ve heard a lot of teachings on Revelation in my lifetime–everything from “It was already fulfilled by the downfall of Rome” to “It will be fulfilled literally in the future.” But for me, part of keeping up my supply of oil for my lamp (10 Wise Virgins parable), is to constantly look at Scripture and to be alert and watchful for Christ’s return. It’s something that I firmly believe that I will see in my lifetime, but even if I don’t, I think living in a state of preparedness is a good thing. So I’d like to begin a series on the Seven Churches of Revelation. I think there’s something we can learn from the messages Jesus has for these churches that we can apply to our own lives today. I think the messages here can help us keep our oil supply plentiful and our lives in a state of watchful readiness.

Revelation was written by the Apostle John while he was exiled on the island of Patmos as a very old man. John has this incredible vision of the end times with prophecies of the things that will happen before God establishes His Kingdom fully upon the earth. The very first thing we see is Jesus appearing to John. He has seven stars in His right hand and seven golden lampstands are around Him. Jesus, Himself, tells John that the seven stars represent the angels of the seven churches and the seven golden lampstands represent the churches themselves. Jesus asks John to write a letter to the angels of each of the churches.

The very first church mentioned in Revelation 2:1-7 is the Church of Ephesus. Ephesus name means “desirable,” and Ephesus’ history represents a desirable church. The Greek city of Ephesus was located on the coast of Ionia on the western edge of what is modern day Turkey. It was a port city, but the harbor gradually fell out of use as the waterway that fed the harbor became full of silt over time. Ephesus was famous as a city of learning. It had a reputation in the ancient world as a place of learning. The main feature of Ephesus was the Temple of Artemis, one of the seven wonders of the ancient world. During the classical Greek era, Ephesus was one of the twelve cities of the Ionian League, the first groups of independent city-states. During the Roman period, Ephesus became second in importance only to Rome. It was a center of travel and commerce thanks to its famous harbor. Because of the worship of Artemis, women enjoyed many rights that we would consider quite modern for the times.

Ephesus was a very large city. It may have held up to 200,000 residents. It had a thriving Jewish community, but Ephesus was primarily a pagan city. Worship of Artemis drove a lot of the local economy, so much so that when Paul preached the gospel, the silversmiths objected about the effect conversion to Christianity was having on their livelihood. The church at Ephesus grew quickly. The church was established by Paul on one of his missionary journeys, but by 54-56 AD Paul was already having to weed out false doctrines and pagan practices within the church. Apollo taught the Ephesians first. He was a Jew who had become a Christian, but he lacked some of the fundamental doctrines of the Christian faith. Priscilla and Acquila became mentors of Apollo, teaching him the things that he lacked. All three taught other believers in the area to some extent. Of course, Paul worked closely with Priscilla and Acquila as well. Timothy served as pastor to Ephesus for many years, and later John lived in Ephesus, possibly with Mary the Mother of Jesus there with him as well.

In 263 AD, Ephesus was destroyed by the Goths. It was partially rebuilt, but the city was fully destroyed by an earthquake in 614 AD. Prior to this, Ephesus was the site of several 5th century Church Councils. The first council of Ephesus in 431 AD confirmed the original Nicene Creed and rejected the teachings of Nestorious, who was trying to find a balancing line of the dual nature of Jesus as fully God and fully man by rejecting the title of Mary as the “Mother of God” and instead insisting on calling her the “Mother of Christ.” The second council of Ephesus in 449 AD upheld that Jesus was fully God and fully man. The third council of Ephesus in 475 AD put to bed any idea that there could be compromise on the humanity of Jesus. Of course, these councils had political overtones for the church at that time as well. It paved the way for several schisms in church tradition that gave rise to the Roman Catholic Church on one side and the Eastern Orthodox Church on the other.

The Emperor Constantine made Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire, giving rise the title of Holy Roman Empire. After him, the emperor Theodosius erased all traces of Artemis when he gained control of Ephesus. He banned free worship, closed the schools and temples, and forbade women of many of the rights they had previously enjoyed. Many believe that Ephesus’ thriving church died out long before this point.

The church of Ephesus enjoyed a huge display of the supernatural power of God during its rise. There were stories of incredible healings in the city. People were set free from demonic oppression. Miracles were performed. The people gave up their pagan practices and publicly burned their books of magic, which was no small thing. Ephesus was a culture permeated by magic and superstition. These books were revered items, and they cost quite a lot of money, but the church of Ephesus burned them in order to purge themselves from any pagan influence. The church was well organized and busy. They enjoyed great teachers. Paul himself preached and taught in Ephesus for 3 years, and if some of Paul’s other teaching sessions are anything to go by, these sessions may have lasted most of the day and night! These were well-instructed believers. If anyone had claim to the knowledge of Christ, it was the church at Ephesus. In the beginning at least, the church of Ephesus took to heart the admonition of Paul to watch out for false teachers and false doctrine (1st and 2nd Timothy).

When Jesus gives his message to the Church of Ephesus in Revelation 2:1-7, He begins by telling them all the things they have done well.

“I know your deeds, your hard work, and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them to be false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.”

Revelation 2:2-3

This is a mature church that has done a lot of things well. They have a lot of knowledge, and they are putting it to use. They are weeding out false apostles and false teachings. They are enduring hardships for being Christians. The protest of Demetrius that provoked a riot due to the lack of business for silversmiths in making idols of Artemis for the masses was probably just the start. Yet, the Ephesians had not grown weary. They had persevered, but it wasn’t all good news. Jesus had a word of warning for the church as well.

“Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.”

Revelation 2:4-5

The word translated as “consider” here and in other translations as “remember” is the Greek word mneia. According to Rick Renner, this word denoted a “written record used to memorialize a person’s actions, a sepulcher, statue, monument, or tombstone.” His analysis of this text says that the use of the word mneia, which can be translated as sepulcher, suggests that the Ephesian believers’ early experiences with Christ had become buried by 30 years of activity.

It seems the Church of Ephesus was relying more and more on its knowledge rather than on its anointing. It was busy. It was working. It was doing the things of the gospel in some way or other, but the love for Christ that characterized the church when it had first been started was starting to grow cold. It was starting to be forgotten. It was becoming buried under the busyness of ministry. Their initial fire for Christ and fervor for the gospel wasn’t being cultivated. They hadn’t fallen completely away.

“But you have this in your favor: You hate the practices of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate.”

Revelation 2:6

The church of Ephesus hadn’t completely fallen. They had hated the practices of the Nicolaitans. These practices were practices of compromise. The Nicolaitans seemed to mix Christianity with pagan beliefs and practices in a way that let them feel they were following Jesus while also not putting themselves at odds with the current culture. The practices of the Nicolaitans were a practice in lukewarm hypocrisy. They wanted to play both sides of the field. They were Christian when they thought they could get the best benefit out of Christianity, and they were pagan when they thought they could get the best benefit out of being pagan.

I think this passage has both a corporate and a personal application. The church is us as a body of believing Christians throughout the world (corporate), but the church is also me (individual). I am the temple of God, so my own personal relationship with God is just as important as the relationship the corporate body that I worship with has with God.

CORPORATE APPLICATION

In our larger culture, it’s easy to see churches that have embraced the philosophy of the Nicolaitans. These are churches that believe the Bible is outdated or that Scripture has to be interpreted by the larger cultural context of our day and age. Jesus makes it very clear that He hates this kind of philosophy of compromise. It’s also easy to see where our churches have gotten so busy with the work of ministry that we are no longer on fire the way we were when we were newly established. Are we focusing on the word? Are we getting quality teaching? Are we still experiencing the incredible outpouring of the Holy Spirit in our services? or have we let these things fall by the wayside while we are busy with ministry? Have we buried the fundamentals like Bible study and the sharing of testimonies for other things that seem more important?

It’s time for our church bodies to evaluate how we are doing on the fundamentals of the gospel. We need to make sure that with all our new outreaches and ministries, we have not buried the fundamentals. We need to be sure that we are stoking the fires of new believers, and that we are allowing their newly found love for Christ to stoke the fires of our own love for Christ. The Holy Spirit’s miraculous work should not be a stranger to our meetings. We need to be sure that we cultivate testimonies as a monument to what God has done in the past and what He wants to do in the future. This is the way we return to our first love, repent, and go back to what we did at first.

INDIVIDUAL APPLICATION

It’s really tempting as a modern day believer to put all the responsibility of these admonitions at the feet of my pastor. After all, they are written to the church. Like everything else in the Word, though, there are ways that I can apply this to my personal life. Have I gotten so busy doing the work of the Lord that I have forgotten to cultivate relationship with Him? Am I resting on my knowledge (head) about Christ to make up for shortcomings in my relationship (heart) with Christ? I need both.

When I became a believer, everything was new! I was so excited to get to know Christ and to learn all about the wonderful miracles He had done on my behalf by dying on the cross for my sins, but as I spend more and more time as a Christian, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that I know all about Jesus. It’s easy to let that fire die out. It’s easy to let it get buried under the weight of my knowledge. I can go from viewing my time reading the Bible as a wonderful time of connection with Jesus to seeing it as a duty that I need to check off my list of things to do for the day. I can end up going through the motions, while my heart is somewhere else entirely.

In light of this passage, it’s time for me to evaluate my own heart. Have I let my love grow cold? Have I stopped doing those things that I enjoyed doing when I first believed? If I still do them, have they lost the joy and excitement that they once held for me? When I am doing my part to reconnect to Jesus and to keep that fire fresh and burning brightly, I am also helping the larger body that I worship with to keep their first love and keep that corporate fire burning brightly as well. I need to be sure I am meeting with Jesus daily. I need to make sure I am studying the Scripture, but I also need to make sure that I am doing these things from the right place–from a place of relationship. It’s time for me to remember and to consider how fall I have fallen away from my first love. Time for me to unbury those things. Time for me to return to the things I used to do. I can pray as David did, “Renew a steadfast spirit within me.” I can pray for God to restore the joy of my salvation and bring me back to my first love.

God Changes Us

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Titus 3:3-7

“At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared,  He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit,  whom He poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior,  so that, having been justified by His grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.“

Consider the leaves in our picture. When the sunlight is on them fully in the spring and summer, those leaves are a bright, vibrant green. The green chlorophyll allows the leaf to soak up the life-giving sunlight and turn it into nourishment for the entire tree. But as the seasons change, that sunlight shines less and less fully on the leaves. A lack of sunlight changes the leaves from a bright, vibrant green to a myriad other colors. The chlorophyll is replaced by other pigments as the leaves dry up, wither, and ultimately fall. The tree becomes dormant for the winter months.

Before we were saved, our lives were like those fall leaves. We lacked nourishment. We were in various stages of death and dying, but when the Son shone on us, we encountered new life. God’s love and kindness shining on us through the person of Jesus Christ changed us, just like the sunlight makes the leaves green and bright. The redemptive power of Jesus’ blood brings us new life. We are made new. We have life for the first time ever, and it’s abundant life full of blessings and nourishment.

Father, I thank you that your love and kindness changes me. You cleanse me and bless me in the hopes that I will grow more and more like you. Anyone who knew me before you entered my life should see a dramatic change in me as the result of the light of your love and kindness and Jesus’ atoning work. I’m a new man. I’m made a live. Where once I was dead in my sins, now I am not only alive in Christ, but you have blessed me with the same inheritance that you have given Him. This isn’t based on anything I have done to deserve it. It’s completely an act of your grace and mercy. It’s because of your love for me. Thank you for loving me so much! In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Forgiving Our Brother: Forgiveness Part 2

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In Forgiveness Part 1, we talked a bit about what forgiveness is and what it isn’t. We focused on vertical forgiveness. Vertical forgiveness is when we choose to forgive an offense or an event based only on the Scriptural mandate to forgive. We are talking to God about the offense and event, about our feelings and how it affects us. We aren’t talking to the other person at all. Instead, we’re inviting God to come into our situation and help us handle it and let it go. We are agreeing with God that the blood of Jesus was enough to pay the sin debt that is owed by that offense, and we are asking God to interpret the event for us–to show us where an offense is really and truly sin and where it’s just a result of unmet expectations on our own part. The Scriptural example of this vertical forgiveness is Mark 11:25: “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

This conversation is between me and God. It doesn’t involve anyone else. Vertical forgiveness is where we get freed from the offense, get our own heart right before God and work with God to heal from the pain and consequences that the offense caused us. It has nothing to do with the actual offender. It’s all about us and getting our heart right before God with His help. If we still feel pain when we think about the event or the offender, it’s an indication that the work of vertical forgiveness has not yet been completed. Since it’s ultimately up to God to help us heal from the offense, we can’t rush vertical forgiveness. We just have to keep working with God until that healing has occurred. This is incredibly important because if we move on to horizontal forgiveness, the topic we’re discussing today in Part 2, while we’re still hurt and in pain, we run the risk of making the situation worse. We may speak solely out of our own pain and hurt, and when we do that we risk hurting the other person or saying the wrong thing. We want to be freed of the offense and the pain of the offense before we approach the offender.

So now that we’ve completed the work of vertical forgiveness, we’re going to move on to the next step of forgiveness: forgiving our brother/sister or horizontal forgiveness. We find the Scriptural example of horizontal forgiveness in Luke 17:3-4: “So watch yourselves. If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. 4 Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.” Notice that God is not present in this conversation as an active participant. We aren’t talking to God about the offender; instead, we are talking to the offender themselves. This is a conversation that takes place between people.

Horizontal forgiveness is the process of forgiving a person to their face for their offense. It has two steps to it: 1) Rebuke the offender. 2) If he repents, forgive him. Notice that the second part is conditional. We forgive the offender if he repents. We’re going to talk a bit more about this key conditional aspect of vertical forgiveness a bit later. For right now, we’re going to talk about the first step: rebuking.

Rebuke is a word that we don’t use in every day speech. So we may be a bit confused on what rebuke actually means and what it looks like. Rebuke is basically just an old-fashioned way of saying “confront.” We are approaching the offender and we are bringing a report of a wrong. We are telling him, “This is what you did, and it was wrong.” Now you can see why completing the process of vertical forgiveness with God is so important. It’s hard enough to go to a person who has sinned against us and say, “This is what you did, and it was wrong.” when you don’t still carry around the pain of the event. If you still carry the pain, it’s nearly impossible to lay out this report in a matter-of-fact, non-judgmental way.

There are wrong reasons to rebuke a person and there are right reasons to rebuke a person. We’re going to take a look at some of the wrong reasons you may rebuke someone.

  • I should not offer a rebuke to someone because I am mad and I want to unload on them. This isn’t the time for me to cause my own offense by letting the other person know how I feel and what I think and just unleashing my emotions on them. That’s not what rebuke is about. If I’m approaching another person in order to purge myself of negative emotions, I’m approaching them for the wrong reasons. I need to take those negative feelings to God and let Him help me handle them.
  • I should not rebuke a person because I think it will help me get my heart right. Rebuking doesn’t get our own hearts right before God or help us heal. That part has to be handled between us and God alone, so if I’m approaching the person who offended me thinking it will help me heal or make me feel better, I’m approaching them for the wrong reason. That’s why vertical forgiveness needs to happen first.
  • I should not rebuke a person because I want to get even with them or shame them in some way. You may be starting to see the pattern here in the wrong reasons for rebuking someone. Every wrong reason comes from a focus on me. Rebuke is not about me at all; it’s about the offender. If I’m approaching someone from a self-centered perspective wanting to harm them as retribution, etc. then I am not rebuking them correctly.

So what are the right reasons to rebuke a brother or a sister?

  • I am rebuking for the right reasons if I want to help bring the offender to repentance. I’ve already gone to God with the original event. I’ve already allowed God to interpret that event for me. I have allowed God to show me whether or not the event was truly a sin against me. When there is sin presence, there is a need in the sinner for repentance. God instructs me to rebuke my brother or sister who has sinned against me because He wants to make them aware of the sin so that they can pursue repentance. Now you can see that this isn’t about us at all. It’s about the offender and their own relationship with God, which is put at risk by their sin.
  • I am rebuking for the right reasons if I want to bring the offender to a place of a clear conscience. This goes hand in hand with repentance. I want my brother or sister to have a clear conscience. In order to truly have that clear conscience, I need to make them aware of the sin they committed against me.
  • I am rebuking for the right reasons if I want to be a part of God’s restoration plan between myself and the other person, if it’s possible. God cares about our relationships. We are His children, and He doesn’t like to see relationships destroyed. When I follow God’s directive to rebuke the offender, I am partnering with God to restore that relationship between myself and the offender whenever restoration is possible. Now, sometimes restoration isn’t going to be possible. Depending on the nature of the offense, there may be times when continuing that relationship would not be the wise or the safe thing to do. But in those times where the relationship can be restored, I want to partner with God to allow that to happen.

Not everything is going require me to rebuke my brother or sister. I may take a very painful event to God and realize that He is telling me that this isn’t a sin against me. It may be my own unmet expectations. It may be the result of pain that is left over from someone else’s sin against me. It may be the result of a misunderstanding. If God reveals to me that the offense is not a sin against me, I need to leave it with God. I don’t need to pursue rebuke in this instance. A good question to ask myself when I’m considering whether or not I truly need to rebuke my brother/sister is: What effect will this have on the offender’s relationship with God. If the offense is a sin, it’s going to separate the offender from God as long as the offender does not repent. Those are the things that I need to confront the offender about. If it’s just about myself and my own feelings, I need to leave that with God.

Sometimes, even when we know that we need to rebuke, we don’t want to. It can be awkward going to another person and telling them that what they did was wrong. If we aren’t willing to do things the way God wants us to do them, we aren’t going to get the results that God wants to give us. It can be hard to do things God’s way, but we know that when we follow God’s directions and are obedient, we will get the best outcome. So when I approach another person about an offense they have done to me, I need to do it God’s way. I need to be sure that I have deal with my own part and my own sin in the situation. Sometimes, we are not at fault at all. Sometimes sin is done to us, and we have no part, but other times we have an equal share in the situation. Sometimes it’s our sin and their sin that caused the problem. If we had a part to play in the initial event and offense, we need to take care of that and repent for it. Then, we need to rebuke the other person.

It isn’t wise to do this right away. You don’t want to approach someone and say, “I was wrong when I did __________. Will you forgive me?” and when they forgive us then immediately respond with, “And you were wrong when you did _______________.” They probably won’t receive anything we have to say. We need to make sure that we are following God’s direction about confronting the other person. At the heart of it, we are God’s instrument in restoring that person’s relationship with God first, and then with us. We are partnering with him. That means we need to be seeking His direction on where and when and how to approach the other person. Remember, this is supposed to be a godly conversation. You are acting as God’s agent to bring about a godly conviction and godly sorrow in the other person’s life.

When you pray about the situation and about when/where/how to handle the rebuke, make sure you also bind Satan off yourself, off the other person, and off the conversation itself. You want to release understanding and grace and conviction on the conversation as well. Use wisdom in choosing the time and place. You are going to leave your evaluation of the other person’s motives or intentions for what they did out of the conversation. This isn’t a time for forming judgements. Instead, you’re simply going to present the situation as it seemed to you, taking ownership of your thoughts and feelings and presenting the situation in the light of what Scripture has to say about it. Tell the person how you feel, what you think, and how this offense affected you at the time. Then, you have to allow the offender to respond. Be a good listener, and try to hear their heart.

STEPS TO THE PROCESS OF HORIZONTAL FORGIVENESS:

  1. Complete all the steps of vertical forgiveness.
  2. Pray about a time to approach the offender. Watch for the right time and place.
  3. Rebuke the person. Tell them what your view of the situation is and that it was wrong.
  4. Wait. (This is going to create discomfort, but remember that you are giving the Holy Spirit and opportunity to move in the person’s heart).
  5. Now the offender has the choice to repent or not.
  6. If they repent, let them know that you have forgiven them. If they do not repent, don’t do anything more.
  7. Let them go.

POSSIBLE RESPONSES TO REBUKE:

  1. A person may realize what they did and repent of it. Usually they will give you some indication that they are sorry for what happened. It might be with the actual words that they were wrong or are sorry. It might be in some other way, but you should be able to see that they really repent of what happened. If this happens, you tell them that you have forgiven them, and you can begin to work toward restoring the relationship.
  2. They may not repent at all. If that happens, don’t tell them you forgive them anyway. It won’t do any good, and it may prevent the Holy Spirit from working on them further.
  3. They may twist the events to blame you. If that happens, you can’t communicate forgiveness because they haven’t repented. You can simply go back to your statement from the beginning. Lay out the facts of what you heard and saw and how you understand it.
  4. They may try to justify their actions. If that happens don’t say that you forgive them anyway. Again, it doesn’t help in God’s process of trying to bring this person to repentance. Simply leave and continue to pray that God will reveal to them what He wants them to see.
  5. They may respond with an excuse like “I was tired/stressed out” or “It must have been PMS.” Those may be reasons something happened, but they don’t excuse the sin. These explanations should follow or be followed by true repentance before you offer forgiveness.
  6. They may counterattack or try to evade. This shows that they are not receiving the rebuke.

If repentance comes from the mouth of the offender, be prepared to offer back words of forgiveness. If the offender chooses not to repent, don’t become hostile or upset. Thank them for their time. Let them know that you are available if they want to talk about this again in the future. Walk away. Choose to continue to walk in love with this person, and look for ways to serve and bless them. Continue to pray for them to find repentance. Don’t gossip about the situation.

WHAT ABOUT TRUST AND BOUNDARIES?

Jesus commands us to love and forgive, but He doesn’t command us to trust. Jesus did not say that we have to go back to trusting someone in order to prove that we have forgiven them. Often times, people will use trust as a way to manipulate you. They will say, “If you really forgive me, you would trust me” or “if you really forgive me, you would let me________.” This isn’t true. When someone commits a serious sin against us, they have taught us not to trust them. They have demonstrated that trusting them is not a safe thing for us to do. To repair trust, that person must do something to prove themselves trustworthy. It’s a process that takes time. It takes time to restore trust, and only the person who was offended knows what will be necessary for them to see in order to give trust again.

Boundaries may become necessary. Boundaries are not about judging the other person or about punishing them for what they did wrong. Boundaries are about limiting another person from being able to commit the same offense against us over and over again. They are a loving way to limit another person’s actions against us. Boundaries should reflect what was freely given in the past, but what we now know isn’t safe to give. They should also reflect the seriousness of the offense. Let’s say you lend a friend $50. They promise to pay you back, but then they go several pay days without talking to you about it or paying you back. You wouldn’t necessarily confront them right away, but at some point, you’re going to confront them about the money. At that point, a loving boundary would be to not loan them money again. You may give them money as a gift, but you’re not going to loan money expecting them to pay it back until they have demonstrated in some way that they have earned the trust for that loan. An inappropriate boundary, or a boundary that doesn’t match the seriousness of the issue, would be to cut them out of your life completely. That probably is an over-the-top response to not being paid back, but it might be a necessary boundary for a more grievous sin like abuse.

There may be times when horizontal forgiveness is not possible. Those times may occur if the person who offended you has died. It may happen when there is physical distance. Perhaps you can not find the person in order to confront them. It could happen when there is emotional distance. If that person has cut you out of their life, they are not in a position for you to be able to contact them and confront them about the offense. It could happen when confronting the person would be dangerous. If you are in a situation where confronting the person who offended you might result in danger, such as if you are confronting an abuser, make sure that God wants you to confront the person. He may not want you to offer rebuke. If He does direct you to confront that person, make sure you do not do so alone. Take someone trusted along with you to keep you safe.

ACTIVATION:

Vertical forgiveness refresher–

God, is there anyone I have been offended by? Is there anyone that I need to forgive?

Is there pain that I’m dealing with from an offense that I have forgiven or that remains unforgiven?

**If God reveals something to you, choose to forgive. Follow the steps and activation for vertical forgiveness.**

Lord, is there someone that I need to confront?

What is your heart toward this person? How can I agree with you?

What does it look like for me to confront them? What do you want to show me about that confrontation?

Is there some part of me that’s afraid to do this? Is there a reason that I want to avoid this that you want to talk to me about? What do you say about what’s in my heart here?

Are there things you would show me about boundaries for this person? Where would you put limits on my relationship with this person?

**As God answers these questions, continue with the steps of horizontal forgiveness of praying about when/where/how to confront the offender and binding Satan from the process.**

Running The Race

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Hebrews 12:1-3

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.“

Sometimes running this race seems like an endless hamster wheel. It gets hard to keep resisting the devil. As our culture becomes more and more decadent and more and more obviously anti-Christian, opposition comes from more and more corners. Without a strong faith and a good reason to keep persevering, the temptation to give in and give up the struggle can become overwhelming. The writer of Hebrews knew that this temptation to give in would be a struggle. After all, the early church was not immune to persecutions of many kinds. They were much more serious persecutions than the church in America is currently enduring.

As new believers it was difficult to stand firm in the face of unjust policies and threats of imprisonment and death, but look at what the writer of Hebrews says. He has just listed the honor roll of faith. He has talked about the Old Testament heroes who faced intense pressures to give up and give in while waiting on their promises to be fulfilled and how they persevered. Then he tells the Hebrews to look to those on the list as if they were our cheerleaders. The men and women of faith who went before us are a great cloud of witnesses. They are the crowds sitting in the stands of the Colosseum, watching us run the race that they ran before us. They are calling out encouragement. They have given us their own testimony of God’s faithfulness to hold onto in the midst of our own struggle.

As we hear them cheer us on, let us drop anything that’s holding us back. The sin that so easily entangles, the compromise that tries to hang onto us as we press ahead….let it go! Drop it behind you. Keep running! We move toward that finish line where Jesus stands, and when things get to the point where we feel as if we’re going to break, let us remember what Jesus accomplished. He suffered more than any of us will ever suffer, and He overcame! We have His spirit within us when we become born-again believers. We have His strength and authority available to us. We have Him cheering us on and running alongside us as we complete our race.

So keep running! Keep running! Keep running!

Father, I thank you that you have given us a record of the heroes of faith who went before us. No matter how long it took them to see your promise come to pass in their lives, they kept on believing. They didn’t give up. When I feel discouraged, I can turn to your Word and read their stories and see your faithfulness. If I look to those stories and to Jesus, I will be encouraged to keep on pressing on. Thank you for your Spirit within me that gives me the strength I need to be able to keep on keeping on. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Seeking God

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When you’re in the midst of a struggle, the right thing to do is to draw closer to God. Struggles tend to bring us to a crossroads. We can use the struggle as an excuse to move away from God out of hurt or fear, or we can use the struggle as a motivation to seek after God. Seeking after God, though, can be a bit confusing. I mean, on the one hand, God is always around. He’s omnipresent, which means that everything at all times is present to Him. There is nowhere you can go that you will be where God can’t see you, can’t reach you, or can’t find you. As God’s child, I also have the promise the God is with me wherever I go. It’s part of the covenant. In these two senses, I am never outside the presence of God.

If I’m never outside the presence of God, why does the Bible tell me to seek after Him. What does that mean anyway? What does it look like? I looked it up because I didn’t know. Why would God want me to seek Him when He’s right next to me? Well, the concept of seeking God is the Hebrew way of having access to God. It’s not about where God is. It’s about relationship. Think of a crowded subway train. There’s always a person right next to you, but if that person is a stranger, you’re not likely to start a conversation with them. You aren’t likely to seek out an interaction there because there’s no relationship. But think of a crowded subway train where you and your best friend ride to work together every morning. You know your friend is near you…probably even right next to you. Yet, you seek them out. You want to know that they are right next to you. You want to talk to them. You want to connect because there is relationship there.

I think that’s what God’s talking about when He talks about seeking Him. The Hebrew word to seek is baqash. It means to seek after in order to take hold of something. It has the idea of begging and pursuing. One commentator said it’s like a parent who has lost a child, desperately seeking to find that child. There’s a passionate, desperate longing there. God wants us to desire Him, to desire relationship with Him, like that. He wants us to drop everything and to look for Him in order to grab hold of Him. He wants relationship. That’s not really surprising giving the way that God describes Himself and us: Father to child/bridegroom to bride. Those are deep and intimate relationships. They are relationships where one party will seek out and pursue the other in order to be connected and near.

The great promise is that if we seek God, we will find Him. Jeremiah 29:13 says, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” 1 Chronicles 28:9b says, “If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever.” God promises to let us find Him. He isn’t hiding Himself. He isn’t trying to be far away. He is just waiting for us to desire to be near Him. God is near each one of us even when we’re not aware that He’s there. It’s that awareness of His presence that we long for. It’s an experience with God…a personal, tangible, conscious experience of God’s presence that we seek after.

When times get tough, I run to God, but sometimes I wonder if I’m running to God for the right reason. It’s easy to run to God when we need something. Sometimes my prayers are filled with desperate pleas for God to do something on my behalf or for God to grant some request. The hand of God is powerful. He can do amazing things. He has promised to do amazing things for us. If this is the only reason we’re seeking God, it’s not the kind of relationship God wants from us. Do you have a friend that only comes to you when they need something? It’s heartbreaking, especially if you really love that person. You feel used, and you wonder if that person would notice you if you no longer had what they needed. You wonder if their care for you is really about you at all. I’m not saying that that’s how God feels about it, but I am saying that it would make sense if He did.

God wants us to seek His face. Psalm 105:4 says, “Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.” When we seek God out just for the wonder of being in His presence and sharing space with Him, we are seeking God out for the right reasons. We are interested in relationship. We want God Himself, and not what He can do for us. I don’t want God to feel like all I do is use Him when I want something, but sometimes I get so busy in life that I don’t really give God a lot of thought. When life is going well and things are like I want them, I tend to neglect talking to God. What a fickle person I can be!

So I’m trying to be more intentional about seeking after God. I want Him to know that, even if I never receive another blessing from Him, I still want to be near Him. There’s something about the presence of God that just can’t be explained. There’s nothing like it! In the presence of God, there is peace and rest like I can’t experience anywhere else. More importantly, God is there. God, who is the source of everything and who loves me with an unchanging, unconditional love. When I’m in the presence of God, I feel just like David did when He said “better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere” (Psalm 84:10).

In the morning, when I open my eyes, I realize that this day is not going to be all that it could be without God there with me. I call out to Him and tell Him just how desperately I need Him to walk this day with me. I ask Him to tell me what He wants me to do. I ask Him to show me where He wants me to go, and I pray that I am not so distracted that I miss His voice. I just want my life to please Him. I want to be a good and faithful servant. I’ve started playing instrumental praise and worship music as I go about starting my day. I’ve found that it helps me to maintain my calm and my peace. It changes the entire atmosphere of my home, and it’s such a simple thing to do. And I make sure to spend some time in the Word every day, preferably in the morning. It doesn’t have to be a long time…just time. God’s Word is His love letter to me, and just like any other love letter, I want to read it over and over and over again. God’s Word ushers me into His presence. It reveals the character of God to me.

I’m sure there are a lot of ways to seek after God. God is incredibly creative. He can meet us where we are and engage us in ways that we understand and appreciate. James 4:8a says, “Come near to God and he will come near to you.” I don’t think there’s a limit to the way we can seek or find God in our daily lives; but prayer, worship, and Scripture reading are the stepping stones to all of them. Will you join me in seeking God every day?

Walk the Walk

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1 John 1:5-10 (MSG)

“This, in essence, is the message we heard from Christ and are passing on to you: God is light, pure light; there’s not a trace of darkness in Him. If we claim that we experience a shared life with Him and continue to stumble around in the dark, we’re obviously lying through our teeth—we’re not living what we claim. But if we walk in the light, God Himself being the light, we also experience a shared life with one another, as the sacrificed blood of Jesus, God’s Son, purges all our sin. If we claim that we’re free of sin, we’re only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins—make a clean breast of them—He won’t let us down; He’ll be true to Himself. He’ll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. If we claim that we’ve never sinned, we out-and-out contradict God—make a liar out of Him. A claim like that only shows off our ignorance of God.“

You know the thing that really bugged Jesus about the Pharisees? It was their hypocrisy. These men thought they were close to God, but they really had no person experience with Him. They made up rules just to condemn others who weren’t following them. They neglected the rules God actually felt were important. It was all just smoke and mirrors with them. I think most Christians have some understanding of this and like to point a finger at the Pharisees, but maybe we need to take a step back and look in a mirror.

There are plenty of us who are guilty of the same thing. I mean do you think the people around the Pharisees realized that they were being hypocritical? No! They thought these people were truly righteous and holy! They thought these guys had the corner market on understanding God. If anyone in Judea had a relationship with God, surely it was this group of men. There are lots of us who carry the title of Christian. Maybe our friends and community members would even agree that we are Christians. But what does our heart say? Are we really walking the walk?

Are we focused on the things that are important to God, or are we focused on the things that are important to men? None of us is going to do this perfectly. We are going to stumble at some point or other. The difference is what we do when we stumble. Do we cry out to God, admit our mistake, and seek forgiveness? Or do we justify what we’re doing, pretend to be holy, and go along with our sin still clinging to us? John sets a high bar here. We are to be in the light the way that God Himself is in the light. We are to walk through our lives the way that Jesus did. When you look at it, that’s a nearly impossible standard to achieve, but when that’s our goal and we admit our faults, God steps in to help us achieve it. With God’s constant cleansing and constant companionship, we will manage to be in the light the way that He is in the light because we will never get far enough away from Him to go down the wrong path.

Father, I thank you that you are constantly at work in me. You are helping me to overcome those areas where I struggle. You are cleansing me from sin constantly. As long as I stay connected to you, admit my weaknesses and my struggles, acknowledge the times when I miss the mark, you are faithfully working in me to keep me in the light. I can’t stray from the path if I’m holding your hand and walking closely by your side. Help me to readily admit when I mess up. Open my eyes to the areas of my life where I am falling short and justifying it. I don’t want to be like the Pharisees, focused on the wrong thing. I want to walk the walk the way you intended. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Blessed to Be a Blessing

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I am blessed. That’s the truth. It’s a phrase we tend to say a lot without really thinking about it though. We say it when we truly feel blessed and we’re on an emotional high, and we say it when we know that we really should feel better than we feel when we’ve hit a temporary disappointment. Sometimes we say it without thinking at all. It’s become kind of a catch-all response to something. “Have a blessed day!” or “How are you today?” “Oh, I am blessed!” But what does it mean to be blessed?

To be blessed really means to experience God’s supernatural favor. Blessing is where God’s grace and God’s glory come together. It’s where you have enjoyed favor and grace that you don’t deserve at all in a way that will draw your attention and the attention of others to the wonders of who God is and what He can do. That brings Him glory. When people see miraculous things in your life, when they see God’s favor at work, they tend to notice God. They may not acknowledge Him in the way that they should, especially if they’re non-believers, but they do notice it. That’s what it means to be blessed.

God loves to give blessings. Just like any good parent, He delights in giving wonderful gifts to His children. Jeremiah 32:41 says, “I will rejoice in doing them good and will assuredly plant them in this land with all my heart and soul.” Since the very beginning God has delighted in blessing His people. He blessed Adam and Eve. He blessed Noah. He blessed Abraham. He blessed Israel. He is a God who blesses. James 1:17 tells us that every good and perfect gift comes to us from God. God blesses us with provision of the things we need, but He also blesses us with more than we need. 2 Corinthians 9:8 says, “And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.” This is the secret to why God chooses to bless us.

God blesses us so that we can be a blessing. It isn’t God’s intent for us to sit around waiting on His blessings and then hoarding those blessings all to ourselves. God isn’t selfish, and He doesn’t want His children to be selfish either. In fact, from the beginning of the establishment of His covenant people, He made His intentions known. He told Abraham in Genesis 12:2-3: “I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.” He reaffirms this desire in Zechariah when He says, “Just as you, Judah and Israel, have been a curse among the nations, so I will save you, and you will be a blessing.” (Zechariah 8:13a) You will be a blessing.

Seems clear that God expects us to take the blessings He gives us and to pass them on. Freely we have received; now we need to freely give. This is easy to do with our loved ones and closest friend. We enjoy blessing them with words of encouragement or gifts or help when they need it. We think up various ways to be a blessing to those close to us. We want to give them something they are going to enjoy just because. But God doesn’t limit His desire for us to pass on our blessings to others to those who are closest to us. In fact, in Luke 6:27-28 He tells us that we should bless our enemies as well: “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” Now hold on a second, God. That hardly seems fair.

And yet, when we look again at what “blessing” means, it makes perfect sense. God blesses us by bestowing upon us His divine favor. Favor…. not something that we earn by our stellar behavior. Favor…something given to us because God is good. In fact, the greatest blessing God has given us is His own Son, and He did that when we were anything but good, when we were in fact His enemies. When we were at our worst, our most sinful, God looked at us and loved us enough to give us His divine favor and allow us a way to be reconciled and made whole again, and we deserved none of it. When we see our salvation in that light, how can we possibly withhold the blessing of forgiveness and goodwill to others? Even to our enemies?

It’s easy to bless our friends. It’s hard to bless our enemies, but sometimes the most difficult blessing is the one God wants us to give to complete strangers. These are people we don’t know at all. They aren’t our friends. They aren’t our enemies. They’re just random people milling around the outskirts of our lives. We hardly notice them, if we’re honest, and because these people aren’t a part of our lives in general, we tend to ignore the ways we can bless them. Sometimes we put a lot of pressure on what it means to be a blessing to others. We limit ourselves with that pressure.

If you think of blessing others as solely something to do with finances, you may cut off a lot of ways to bless people. I’m guilty of this. I tend to think about blessing others as financially based. We don’t struggle with finances in the sense that some people do, but we don’t have a lot of extra at the end of the day either. I have been blessed by people in front of me in a drive-thru line by those who “pay it forward.” Those good souls had enough to pay for people behind them, and I love that. But I think the fact that this is a great blessing to me means that it is the type of blessing I easily remember, and therefore, I tend to think it’s the only blessing I could possibly offer to others. That’s simply not the truth.

When I take the time to truly “count my blessings” like the old hymn says, I realize there are an unlimited number of ways that God has blessed me that go above and beyond my finances. That opens my eyes to the number of ways that others bless me and also the number of ways that I can bless others. God is an unlimited God. He’s amazingly creative, and He has made me in His image. That extends to the ways I can be a blessing.

  • Smiling Gosh, this seems like the easiest thing in the world. I often forget how much of a blessing a true, heartfelt smile can be, but especially today where we feel so isolated a good smile can really lift another person’s spirits.
  • Word of Encouragement Like a smile, I tend to forget how much a word of encouragement keeps me going, and yet I can think of several times when a word of encouragement arrived just in time for me. It was a blessing to me then, and it can be a real blessing to others as well.
  • Offer a helping hand I may not have money that I can give to someone in need, but I do have two hands. I can offer to help. It can be something really simple, like opening a door for someone else. Maybe it’s picking up a grocery order for someone who can’t get out, or cleaning for a sick mom, or babysitting some kids to give their parents a nice break, or really anything that someone might need help with.
  • Giving some time You know sometimes a person really desperately needs someone to talk to. Sometimes the biggest blessing I can give someone else is just to give them some of my time. I can slow down. I can listen. I can talk. This is an especially good way to bless someone who is lonely. I can offer this blessing to a stranger by letting them chat while I’m sitting in a waiting room.
  • Giving of my talents This is something I routinely neglect. I don’t think about my talents in blessing others, but truly I can use my talents for another person. I have a friend who is a massage therapist. She regularly blesses me with free massages during extremely stressful periods of time, and I have to say it’s one of the best blessings in the world. My daughter has painted a painting for my youngest son that is a part of his nursery. What a blessing that will be when he is old enough to enjoy it. There are lots of ways we can use our talents for others, just to bring them some happiness or to do something for them.
  • Financial giving Of course, if I have the ability, it is always a blessing to give money. I do sponsor a child, and that is a wonderful privilege. This week I was able to pay it forward for the people behind me in the line at the local coffee shop. I have never been able to do that before, so just the fact that I could give was a blessing for me as well.

And that’s really the point. As we take the time to bless others, we are blessed ourselves. Not only do we get the blessing of a good feeling from giving out of ourselves, but we are often blessed by God with more ability to give. Be a blessing! Count the ways God has blessed your life. Look at all the out-of-the-box, just-in-time, man-I-really-needed-that things that God does for you, and pass it along. Just as God is incredibly creative in the ways He blesses us, we can be creative in the way we bless others.

I think Mother Theresa really summed it up best: “Not all of us can do great things; but we can do small things with great love.” I may not be able to pay someone’s rent. I may not be able to solve their problems. But I can offer myself. I can smile. I can listen. I can talk. I can take some time. I can love. And because I can do these things, I can be a blessing to others!

A Poor Reflection

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1 Corinthians 13:11-12 (AMPC)

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; now that I have become a man, I am done with childish ways and have put them aside. For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully and clearly known and understood [by God].“

We all think that we see things the way they really are. We have our own perspective on events, and we think it’s completely accurate. While we’ve all heard the saying that there are three sides to every story (his, hers, and the truth), we want everyone to see the world exactly the way we see it. In fact, most of our conflicts occur with our closest loved ones because we just don’t understand how they can live in the same house with us and be involved in the same activities and still see the world in a completely different way than we do.

But how often do we consider that this is true of the way we see God as well? We are finite beings. We have finite minds. There is no possible way for a finite mind to conceive of something that is infinite. It’s just not possible. We can come close, perhaps. We can definitely break down infinite things into much smaller pieces and get the closest we can possibly ever come, but it still won’t be the full picture. So it amazes me that we will argue over things about God that really come down to viewpoint. I’m not talking about arguing with someone who says something about God that clearly contradicts Scripture. I’m talking about all the other arguments we get into about the nature and will of God that Scripture doesn’t address. We think we have God all figured out, until someone has an experience with Him that doesn’t match our own, and instead of enlarging our picture of who God is and how He works, we’d rather argue that that person couldn’t possibly be experiencing God. How sad!

But there is hope. As we mature in our understanding of Scripture and gain more experience with God in our lives, we begin to see just how little we know. We come to a place of understanding that our picture is really small. Much, much smaller than God Himself. We come to recognize that we are seeing a pale reflection of who God really is. But one day….. one day we will see the reality of God in absolute crystal clarity and truth. When we leave this finite body with its finite mind, we will be able to embrace the concept of infinite things. We will understand God fully!

And isn’t it wonderful that even while we struggle to understand God, He fully and completely understands us. We don’t have to explain ourselves to God the way we have to explain ourselves to a spouse. There is no part of us that we keep hidden away from God. No part of us that God has not seen. There is no part of us that shocks or surprises God. And because we are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, there is no part of us that God does not love. That’s the truly miraculous part! God sees us all…in our entirety….more intimately than even our spouse. He understands us. And He still loves us!

Father, I thank you that you are the only one in the entire world who truly sees me clearly and truthfully and understands me entirely. You know my good parts and my bad parts. You know my strengths and my weaknesses. You understand what I need. You know me better than I know myself. I am so thankful that even in the midst of knowing all about me, you love me anyway. Help me to constantly be looking to enlarge the picture that I have of you. Help me to remember that what I know and understand of you is really only a small fraction of who You Are. Help me to be willing to expand my view of you, as long as it is in keeping with Scripture, and help me not to judge others who have a different experience with you than my own. I am looking forward to the day when I will see you as you truly are and understand you fully the same way that you see and understand me, even now. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

When Jesus Returns

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1 John 2:28 (MSG)

“And now, children, stay with Christ. Live deeply in Christ. Then we’ll be ready for him when he appears, ready to receive him with open arms, with no cause for red-faced guilt or lame excuses when he arrives.“

I love romantic movies that include love letters. There’s something about those letters that really stirs my heart. It amazes me how many couples kept their love alive over long distances by just pouring their hearts out in letters. The movies with happy endings are wonderful, but every now and then there’s a movie where even after months and months of letters something happens. One or the other of the couple starts to have cooler feelings. Maybe the separation is going on just too long or maybe they find someone else who is closer to home. Whatever it is, that person is stuck with a sinking feeling in their heart about having to explain to their significant other that this is not going to work out after all. In those movies, invariably when the long distance love interest returns, the person who has to break the news is embarrassed and hesitant to break the bad news.

Our walk with Jesus can be a lot like a this. The Bible calls us the bride of Christ. The time we’re in right now is like a long distance romance. We fall in love with Jesus, and we accept Him as our Lord. It’s like we’ve just gotten engaged. Our faith is fresh, and we’re full of hope. Ideally, we want to maintain that close and intimate love relationship, but we have to admit that there are those who fall away from that first love. Life can distract us. Satan attacks us. If we’re not intentional and mindful of our relationship with Jesus, our love for Him and our dedication can grow cold. If He were to return and find us lukewarm or cold in our fervor and love for Him, how embarrassed we would feel and how hesitant we would be to run to meet Him.

The Bible tells us over and over again to be ready for Christ’s return. Jesus is coming back. We don’t know when, but we know that it will be soon. Every year, we’re one year closer to Jesus coming back. How we welcome Him will depend a lot on how prepared we are when He arrives. We don’t want to be unprepared when Jesus comes back. When our love returns, we don’t want to be stuck delivering the bad news of how unfaithful we have been or how lackadaisical we’ve been in our walk. We want to be able to rush into His arms, excited and full of love, ready to move forward with our journey together. The only way to be prepared is to keep ourselves prepared. By spending time in His Word, spending time talking to Him, moving forward in faith, we keep our hearts tender to His voice and prepared for His return.

Father, I want to be ready when Jesus returns. I want to keep hold of that first love. Lord, help me to stay connected to you. Help me to pour into our relationship just as You pour into me. Let me see your Word as your love letter to me. I want to approach your Word with the same excitement that I approach a love letter from my husband. When you return, I want to run into your arms without shame. Keep me ready, Lord. Give me a tender heart, listening for your voice. Open my eyes to the wonders in your Word. Open my ears to hear what you have to say to me. Keep my heart on fire for you. May you find me ready and waiting with anticipation when you return. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

I Must Be Doing Something Right

Left to Right back row: Paige, Hailey, Kylie
Left to Right front row: Arwen and Claire

Parenting is hard. There’s no manual on how to do things. You just do the best that you can and hope that it’s good enough. For us, parenting is about raising responsible adults. We want our children to learn how to navigate life on their own as they grow. We want them to make wise choices. We want them to learn how to think for themselves–how to avoid the temptation of peer pressure and blindly following the group. We want our kids to make easy mistakes–mistakes that won’t cost them long term–while they are young and in our house. Making mistakes here is much safer than when they are out on their own as adults.

I believe I’m a good parent. I love my children. I take the time to pay attention to them. I know what their strengths and weaknesses are. I encourage their natural talents and try to help them navigate life. I try to pass on my faith. I do my best to be a good listener, even when what they have to say rubs me the wrong way or hurts my feelings. I try to be fair. Those who know me and know my family tend to agree with my assessment of my parenting, but I have to be honest. When you’re kids end up in the foster care system and you insist that you are a good parent, people look at you funny. No one wants to believe that kids are taken from good parents. But they are. Every. Single. Day.

When you’re in the midst of a battle like this, you begin to doubt yourself. On the one hand, I’ve taken a few parenting classes. The instructors have affirmed that I am doing things the way they would recommend. I kind of mix parenting techniques. There are things I like about each one. I like the natural consequences of Love and Logic. I think it reinforces the skills needed for critical thinking as an adult. From an early age, it kind of forces children to do a cost-benefit analysis of their choices. “What’s going to happen if I do this? Is it worth the risk?” For some things, the answer is going to be an absolute “yes!” and for others, I’m hoping for an absolute “no!” But either way, even if the choice is wrong, thinking through the process lays the foundation for making the next choice.

I like the loving aspect of Nurturing Parenting. I like that the focus is on the “why” of behaviors rather than the “what.” Yes, it’s bad that my kid is hitting his brother, but if I know that that is because he is struggling to express his feelings, then it might be more effective to focus on expressing feelings in a healthy way rather than simply sending him to time out. Shepherding a Child’s Heart does a good job of explaining this from a Christian viewpoint, and I appreciate the connection it makes between my parenting and my faith.

I needed the skills and understanding of the Trauma Informed Parenting. The foster care system ripped my children from their home. It was a loving, healthy home. Removal from any home, even an abusive one, causes trauma to children. It’s why removal is supposed to be a last resort. Study after study shows that children do better when they are allowed to stay in their homes and have their parents helped with resources and skill learning rather than removing them while parents work to rectify conditions. When you have a child whose already experienced trauma in the form of violence and abuse, it could be argued that one more trauma–the trauma of removal–is a small price to pay, but what do you do when the only source of trauma that a child has experienced is the removal itself? My children have been grilled over and over again by the system, trying to find grounds for abuse and/or neglect. They have been receiving trauma counseling, and you know the only thing they want to talk about? Their removal.

When they return home, they’re going to be traumatized again. My youngest son is 2. He was removed when he was 15 months old. He has formed a loving bond with his foster mom. That’s good from a therapeutic perspective. Having a strong bond with a loving care giver builds resiliency, but it’s bad from a reunification perspective. Because when he has to leave her home and come back to mine, he’s going to be torn away from a loving care giver. Again. The system has no plan for how to help him with that trauma. They’d rather pretend it doesn’t exist. They have shamed me for even asking about a plan. I’m a bad parent because I ask too many questions…because I want to help my children with transitions like this to minimize the negative effects. The trauma therapists love me. I’m the ideal parent: asking the right questions, aware of the impact of changes, advocating for my children, proving that I love them and put their best interests first. The foster care workers themselves? Not so much. I’m a thorn in their side that keeps insisting on what’s best for my kids instead of doing what they say without question and fitting into the nice box they’d rather I fit into.

In the hullabaloo, it’s easy to doubt myself. Maybe I’m not as good a parent as I think I am. Maybe I’m just highly skilled at manipulating what those closest to me see. Maybe it’s all a carefully manicured facade. These are the moments that Satan wrecks havoc with my thoughts and plays on my emotions. I’m a sitting duck if I get stuck in my head, and it’s easy to get stuck in my head.

But then something happens that reminds me of the truth, which is that I’ve never in my life felt the need to put on a good face. I’ve never been anything but honest. Not brutally honest, mind you. I still try to speak the truth in love, but I tell the truth. I’d rather avoid answering a question than tell you a half truth. I want people to love me…the real me. If I pretend to be someone else, how can I know that they really love me? I can’t. I can only know if someone loves the real me if I have the courage to show them the real me. So win, lose, or draw, what you see is what you get. I’ve raised my kids to be the same way. So when my friends affirm that they think I’m a good parent and when they trust me to still babysit their children, it speaks volumes. When those who know me best, affirm the truth, it drowns out the doubt.

And then there are my girls. Not all the girls pictured above are “my girls.” I’ve never met Hailey in the middle. But Kylie, Claire, and Arwen? They’re mine. Arwen’s the only one I’ve given birth to. The others are her friends. But we have lived up to my vision of what it means to be a mother, by welcoming them into my family. Claire has a strained relationship with her own mom. She doesn’t feel like she has a mom anymore. Teenage girls need moms. They don’t know it, but they do. The only time you need a mom more is when you’re on the cusp of a huge life change–when you get married….when you give birth. The teen years encompass a lot of changes. It’s a mom’s job to help you navigate that road from being a little girl to being the woman you want to be. And not all of us do a good job at that. Sometimes it’s just easier to talk to someone else’s mom than it is to talk to your own. Other people’s moms tend to be less judgmental than your own mother would be.

Each time we’ve met a friend of one of our girls, we’ve told them to consider themselves part of the family. Claire took us up on it. She calls me “Mom.” When she needs to talk to someone, she calls or texts. She lets me know about all her extracurricular activities, and I’m there. When she performed in the community production of Seussical the Musical, we were front row center cheering her on. That’s our girl! We never want her to have an event where she feels like she doesn’t have a family there with her. I think Claire’s hard on her own mom. I know what it is to be in Claire’s shoes. I felt that way as a teen myself. I know what it is to be in her mom’s shoes. I walk there every day right now. So sometimes I just remind Claire that we’re all human, and we all need grace. I’ve driven Kylie to school when she needed a ride. I’ve taken her shopping for food when she’s staying at her dad’s house and needs some snacks. If the girls need me, they know they can call. I’ll be there. Just like their own mothers would be. I hope if my own children ever needed someone, that another mom would do the same for me.

These girls choose to still come over and hang out with me. They still seek me out for advice. I think that speaks far louder than the opinions of the “experts” at the foster care agency. These girls have been in our house. They know our rules. They know our expectations. They want to be here. And that means I must be doing something right!