The virtuous woman of Proverbs 31:10-31. We love her. We hate her. We all wish we could be her. We feel condemned and ashamed because we aren’t her. And most of us don’t understand her at all. For many of us, this passage serves as a high bar of womanhood we can never achieve. We think of the virtuous woman as a real person, the ultimate model of a woman who leans in. This is a woman who has her life together! We look at these verses as a check list of the things we’re supposed to accomplish in our life, or even in our day!
If we’re single, we may not think about this passage at all because it’s clearly about a married woman, or worse, we feel as if we don’t measure up before God because we’re not married yet. If we don’t have children, we may not think about this passage at all because it’s clearly about a woman with children, or worse, we feel as if we don’t measure up before God because we don’t have children….or we can’t have children….We let Satan use these verses to condemn us and add to our pain. If we’re feminists, we may think this passage represents an outdated version of womanhood–an oppressed woman who spends all her time taking care of her husband and children. We may believe that this passage is irrelevant in our enlightened, modern times.
And we would be so totally wrong! We have bought into some myths about this woman, and we have ignored some of the great principles of what she represents. This woman seems so completely out of touch with our reality that it seems easy to just write her off and ignore her, but I think there are principles here that not only will improve our daily lives but will also encourage us that we can be virtuous women ourselves!
The Virtuous Woman passage of Proverbs 31 wasn’t written to women. It was written to a son. In fact, in Jewish culture, Proverbs 31 is a song of praise known as the woman of valor. Rachel Held Evans in her blog post Three Things You Might Not Know About the Proverbs 31 Woman says:
“I first learned this from my Jewish friend Ahava who told me that in her cutlure, it’s not the women who memorize Proverbs 31, but the men…. They memorize it, Ahava said, to sing it as a song of praise to the women in their lives–their wives, daughters, sisters, mothers and friends. Ahava’s husband sings Proverbs 31 to her at every Sabbath meal.”
King Lemuel was instructed by his mother on the kind of woman he was to look for to marry. This isn’t an actual woman. The virtuous woman is a mother’s ideal image of what it means to be a godly woman–a woman after God’s heart. She knows that if her son can marry a woman who is whole-heartedly seeking after and serving God, then he will have round a rare and precious treasure in his wife.
“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.”
Proverbs 31:10
- The virtous woman is strong. The words translated in the NIV as “noble character” are translated in the NASB as “an excellent wife.” In the original Hebrew, though, the word used is chayil. The word chayil is pretty interesting. It means “strength.” The virtuous woman is a strong woman. But the word chayil means much more than that. It means strength, efficiency, wealth, and army. This is a woman who possesses physical strength. She is a strong woman. She is efficient–meaning she has ability and moral worth. She is seldom alone. She attracts others to her. She has wealth, whether spiritual or material. She is blessed. She is like an army–a force to be reckoned with!
“Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”
Proverbs 31:11-12
2. The virtuous woman is trustworthy. Her husband has full confidence in her because she is trustworthy. He knows that she is on his team. She is an encouragement to him. This isn’t a woman who goes around complaining about her day. This isn’t a woman who looks to her husband to solve all her problems. No, she has her faith in God, and because her needs are met by God, she treats the good things her husband does as a blessing–an added benefit. If we’re married, we can seek to have all our needs met by God instead of our husband. This isn’t something we’re going to be perfect at, but it is something we can reach for. It’s a goal to pursue. What if we’re single women? Well, we still get our needs met by God. The virtuous woman isn’t seeking fulfillment in her marriage. She is already fulfilled. Because she is fulfilled by God, she has the ability to pour out into others, to build relationships with those around her that are healthy and satisfying.
“She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.”
Proverbs 31:13-14
3. The virtuous woman is resourceful. This is a woman who doesn’t sit around waiting for things to come to her. This is a woman who knows what she has at her disposal and how to use it! Do you know where to go to get what you need? Are your resourceful? There may be ways we can improve our resourcefulness. We can be on the lookout for better places to shop or ways we can support causes that are important to us. We can learn the resources in our area, not only to benefit our own families, but to pass along those benefits to others in need as well. This is a goal to pursue. We don’t have to be perfect, but we can look for ways to grow in resourcefulness. Again, this is a principle that applies to us whether we are young or old, single or married, and whether we have children or not.
“She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. “She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grabs the spindle with her fingers.”
Proverbs 31:15-19
4. The virtuous woman is a good manager. This woman has management skills. She knows how to handle her business at home and abroad. She makes wise decisions about how she’ll invest her time. She invests where there will be a profit. This is a woman who isn’t sitting around being idle, wondering what she’s going to do. She has a plan! She thinks things through. She considers. She doesn’t make rash choices. She isn’t impulsive. Whether our household is big or small, whether we have a lot or a little, we can work to manage it wisely. I used to get upset at the “gets up while it is still night.” I’m not a morning person. I thought that I would never measure up to the Proverbs 31 woman if I couldn’t find a way to be a morning person, but God knows who we are. He created us! I don’t have to be a morning person to please God, but I do have to manage my time and household wisely. I do have to make sure that I have time to spend with God first and foremost, so that I can pour out to the others in my household out of the full bucket of God’s blessings. When my cup is filled, I can freely pour out to others. If I’m sleeping in and missing time with God and rushing through my day with a crabby attitude, if I’m failing to plan and flying by the seat of my pants, I’m living well below God’s best for me. I need to do whatever it takes to get time with God first, and then I need to manage the rest of my day so that I am investing my time where God wants me to invest it–where it will produce a harvest. “Her lamp doesn’t go out at night” doesn’t mean that she never sleeps. It means she has plenty. She has managed her resources so wisely that she can keep a lamp burning at night so that no one is stumbling around in the dark. She is not lazy or idle. She is careful and considerate about what she does with her time and her money.
“She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.”
Proverbs 31:20
5. The virtuous woman is a blessing to others. This is a woman who thinks beyond herself. Because her provision comes ultimately from the Lord, she recognizes that a portion of that provision is not for her. This is a woman who fills the needs of others in whatever way that she can. She is not selfish. She is outwardly focused. She is mission minded. Young or old, rich or poor, married or single, we can all cultivate a giving attitude. Giving to the poor doesn’t always have to be about money. You can volunteer your time. You can donate your used goods. You can give of your talents. It’s about being focused on how to be a blessing to those around you.
“When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.”
Proverbs 31: 21-23
6. The virtuous woman is prepared. This is a woman who has prepared for the future. She supplies the things her family needs before they have need of them. She thinks ahead. Her hope is in God, so she casts any cares she may have on Him. This is a woman takes care of things. What about the part about her husband? Well, behind every good man is a good woman, right? The virtuous woman is able to help her husband. Because she fears the Lord, she conducts herself in a manner that gives her a good reputation and extends that reputation to her family. Her husband is respected, in part, because of her good reputation! This isn’t a woman who has perfect children in matching outfits on Instagram. It isn’t a woman who has a ton of Pinterest boards that she actually uses. But it is a woman who conducts herself well and handles the needs of her house. We all go through seasons of life where this goal seems completely out of reach, but we rest in the knowledge that God has good plans for us. He is in charge of our future, so we have no need to worry. If we obey His commands and look ahead, we will make wise choices and have what we need.
“She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchant with sashes. “
Proverbs 31:24
7. The virtuous woman is active in her community. The virtuous woman doesn’t sit at home all day doing nothing. This is a woman who is known in the community. She is engaged and active. Maybe she volunteers for local causes that she believes in. Maybe she just knows her neighbors. No matter how the virtuous woman chooses to live this ideal out, the heart of the matter is her outward focus and giving nature.
“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”
Proverbs 31:25-26
8. The virtuous woman has experience. This is a woman whose walk with the Lord allows her to know that she is blessed. This is a mature woman of faith. She knows that the joy of the Lord is her strength. She has wisdom because she fears the Lord. Proverbs tells us that the reverential fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. This is a woman who carefully considers her words. You won’t find her mouthing off. You won’t find her gossiping with her neighbors. You won’t find her making caustic remarks to others. Instead, you will find a woman who allows God to guard her lips. She thinks before she speaks. She honors God with her actions and her words.
“She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.’ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”
Proverbs 31:27-31
It should be clear by now that all of us can aspire to the ideal set by the virtuous woman of Proverbs 31. It’s a goal we can reach for no matter our age, no matter our marital status, no matter the size of our family, no matter our economic status. Instead of saying, “How does this wonder woman do it all?” we can ask ourselves, “Who is this wonder woman?” The answer is that she is a woman who fears the Lord. She is a woman who knows her identity is based on who God says she is. This is a woman who prioritizes her relationship with God because she knows that He is her only source. This is a woman who guards her heart because she knows that all the issues of life start in the attitudes and thoughts of her heart. This is a woman who seeks to please God in every single detail of her every day life. Because her focus is on God, she accomplishes much more than she may even be aware of. That’s why her children arise and call her blessed and her husband praises her…because she allows God’s blessings to flow through herself to others.
I’m going to stop looking at the Proverbs 31 woman as some checklist of attributes I need to posses. I’m going to stop seeing her as the Martha Stewart of the Christian homemaking circle. I’m going to quit pretending that she’s some robotic Stepford wife that I can never aspire to be. Instead, I’m going to see myself as the Proverbs 31 woman. I’m a woman after God’s own heart. I’m a woman who seeks the Lord and tries to please Him in the every day details of my life. I AM a virtuous woman, even if I don’t always feel like I am.
A Beautiful Mess 