Forgiving Our Brother: Forgiveness Part 2

In Forgiveness Part 1, we talked a bit about what forgiveness is and what it isn’t. We focused on vertical forgiveness. Vertical forgiveness is when we choose to forgive an offense or an event based only on the Scriptural mandate to forgive. We are talking to God about the offense and event, about our feelings and how it affects us. We aren’t talking to the other person at all. Instead, we’re inviting God to come into our situation and help us handle it and let it go. We are agreeing with God that the blood of Jesus was enough to pay the sin debt that is owed by that offense, and we are asking God to interpret the event for us–to show us where an offense is really and truly sin and where it’s just a result of unmet expectations on our own part. The Scriptural example of this vertical forgiveness is Mark 11:25: “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

This conversation is between me and God. It doesn’t involve anyone else. Vertical forgiveness is where we get freed from the offense, get our own heart right before God and work with God to heal from the pain and consequences that the offense caused us. It has nothing to do with the actual offender. It’s all about us and getting our heart right before God with His help. If we still feel pain when we think about the event or the offender, it’s an indication that the work of vertical forgiveness has not yet been completed. Since it’s ultimately up to God to help us heal from the offense, we can’t rush vertical forgiveness. We just have to keep working with God until that healing has occurred. This is incredibly important because if we move on to horizontal forgiveness, the topic we’re discussing today in Part 2, while we’re still hurt and in pain, we run the risk of making the situation worse. We may speak solely out of our own pain and hurt, and when we do that we risk hurting the other person or saying the wrong thing. We want to be freed of the offense and the pain of the offense before we approach the offender.

So now that we’ve completed the work of vertical forgiveness, we’re going to move on to the next step of forgiveness: forgiving our brother/sister or horizontal forgiveness. We find the Scriptural example of horizontal forgiveness in Luke 17:3-4: “So watch yourselves. If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. ⁴ Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.” Notice that God is not present in this conversation as an active participant. We aren’t talking to God about the offender; instead, we are talking to the offender themselves. This is a conversation that takes place between people.

Horizontal forgiveness is the process of forgiving a person to their face for their offense. It has two steps to it: 1) Rebuke the offender. 2) If he repents, forgive him. Notice that the second part is conditional. We forgive the offender if he repents. We’re going to talk a bit more about this key conditional aspect of vertical forgiveness a bit later. For right now, we’re going to talk about the first step: rebuking.

Rebuke is a word that we don’t use in every day speech. So we may be a bit confused on what rebuke actually means and what it looks like. Rebuke is basically just an old-fashioned way of saying “confront.” We are approaching the offender and we are bringing a report of a wrong. We are telling him, “This is what you did, and it was wrong.” Now you can see why completing the process of vertical forgiveness with God is so important. It’s hard enough to go to a person who has sinned against us and say, “This is what you did, and it was wrong.” when you don’t still carry around the pain of the event. If you still carry the pain, it’s nearly impossible to lay out this report in a matter-of-fact, non-judgmental way.

There are wrong reasons to rebuke a person and there are right reasons to rebuke a person. We’re going to take a look at some of the wrong reasons you may rebuke someone.

• I should not offer a rebuke to someone because I am mad and I want to unload on them. This isn’t the time for me to cause my own offense by letting the other person know how I feel and what I think and just unleashing my emotions on them. That’s not what rebuke is about. If I’m approaching another person in order to purge myself of negative emotions, I’m approaching them for the wrong reasons. I need to take those negative feelings to God and let Him help me handle them.
• I should not rebuke a person because I think it will help me get my heart right. Rebuking doesn’t get our own hearts right before God or help us heal. That part has to be handled between us and God alone, so if I’m approaching the person who offended me thinking it will help me heal or make me feel better, I’m approaching them for the wrong reason. That’s why vertical forgiveness needs to happen first.
• I should not rebuke a person because I want to get even with them or shame them in some way. You may be starting to see the pattern here in the wrong reasons for rebuking someone. Every wrong reason comes from a focus on me. Rebuke is not about me at all; it’s about the offender. If I’m approaching someone from a self-centered perspective wanting to harm them as retribution, etc. then I am not rebuking them correctly.

So what are the right reasons to rebuke a brother or a sister?

• I am rebuking for the right reasons if I want to help bring the offender to repentance. I’ve already gone to God with the original event. I’ve already allowed God to interpret that event for me. I have allowed God to show me whether or not the event was truly a sin against me. When there is sin presence, there is a need in the sinner for repentance. God instructs me to rebuke my brother or sister who has sinned against me because He wants to make them aware of the sin so that they can pursue repentance. Now you can see that this isn’t about us at all. It’s about the offender and their own relationship with God, which is put at risk by their sin.
• I am rebuking for the right reasons if I want to bring the offender to a place of a clear conscience. This goes hand in hand with repentance. I want my brother or sister to have a clear conscience. In order to truly have that clear conscience, I need to make them aware of the sin they committed against me.
• I am rebuking for the right reasons if I want to be a part of God’s restoration plan between myself and the other person, if it’s possible. God cares about our relationships. We are His children, and He doesn’t like to see relationships destroyed. When I follow God’s directive to rebuke the offender, I am partnering with God to restore that relationship between myself and the offender whenever restoration is possible. Now, sometimes restoration isn’t going to be possible. Depending on the nature of the offense, there may be times when continuing that relationship would not be the wise or the safe thing to do. But in those times where the relationship can be restored, I want to partner with God to allow that to happen.

Not everything is going require me to rebuke my brother or sister. I may take a very painful event to God and realize that He is telling me that this isn’t a sin against me. It may be my own unmet expectations. It may be the result of pain that is left over from someone else’s sin against me. It may be the result of a misunderstanding. If God reveals to me that the offense is not a sin against me, I need to leave it with God. I don’t need to pursue rebuke in this instance. A good question to ask myself when I’m considering whether or not I truly need to rebuke my brother/sister is: What effect will this have on the offender’s relationship with God. If the offense is a sin, it’s going to separate the offender from God as long as the offender does not repent. Those are the things that I need to confront the offender about. If it’s just about myself and my own feelings, I need to leave that with God.

Sometimes, even when we know that we need to rebuke, we don’t want to. It can be awkward going to another person and telling them that what they did was wrong. If we aren’t willing to do things the way God wants us to do them, we aren’t going to get the results that God wants to give us. It can be hard to do things God’s way, but we know that when we follow God’s directions and are obedient, we will get the best outcome. So when I approach another person about an offense they have done to me, I need to do it God’s way. I need to be sure that I have deal with my own part and my own sin in the situation. Sometimes, we are not at fault at all. Sometimes sin is done to us, and we have no part, but other times we have an equal share in the situation. Sometimes it’s our sin and their sin that caused the problem. If we had a part to play in the initial event and offense, we need to take care of that and repent for it. Then, we need to rebuke the other person.

It isn’t wise to do this right away. You don’t want to approach someone and say, “I was wrong when I did __________. Will you forgive me?” and when they forgive us then immediately respond with, “And you were wrong when you did _______________.” They probably won’t receive anything we have to say. We need to make sure that we are following God’s direction about confronting the other person. At the heart of it, we are God’s instrument in restoring that person’s relationship with God first, and then with us. We are partnering with him. That means we need to be seeking His direction on where and when and how to approach the other person. Remember, this is supposed to be a godly conversation. You are acting as God’s agent to bring about a godly conviction and godly sorrow in the other person’s life.

When you pray about the situation and about when/where/how to handle the rebuke, make sure you also bind Satan off yourself, off the other person, and off the conversation itself. You want to release understanding and grace and conviction on the conversation as well. Use wisdom in choosing the time and place. You are going to leave your evaluation of the other person’s motives or intentions for what they did out of the conversation. This isn’t a time for forming judgements. Instead, you’re simply going to present the situation as it seemed to you, taking ownership of your thoughts and feelings and presenting the situation in the light of what Scripture has to say about it. Tell the person how you feel, what you think, and how this offense affected you at the time. Then, you have to allow the offender to respond. Be a good listener, and try to hear their heart.

STEPS TO THE PROCESS OF HORIZONTAL FORGIVENESS:

1. Complete all the steps of vertical forgiveness.
2. Pray about a time to approach the offender. Watch for the right time and place.
3. Rebuke the person. Tell them what your view of the situation is and that it was wrong.
4. Wait. (This is going to create discomfort, but remember that you are giving the Holy Spirit and opportunity to move in the person’s heart).
5. Now the offender has the choice to repent or not.
6. If they repent, let them know that you have forgiven them. If they do not repent, don’t do anything more.
7. Let them go.

POSSIBLE RESPONSES TO REBUKE:

1. A person may realize what they did and repent of it. Usually they will give you some indication that they are sorry for what happened. It might be with the actual words that they were wrong or are sorry. It might be in some other way, but you should be able to see that they really repent of what happened. If this happens, you tell them that you have forgiven them, and you can begin to work toward restoring the relationship.
2. They may not repent at all. If that happens, don’t tell them you forgive them anyway. It won’t do any good, and it may prevent the Holy Spirit from working on them further.
3. They may twist the events to blame you. If that happens, you can’t communicate forgiveness because they haven’t repented. You can simply go back to your statement from the beginning. Lay out the facts of what you heard and saw and how you understand it.
4. They may try to justify their actions. If that happens don’t say that you forgive them anyway. Again, it doesn’t help in God’s process of trying to bring this person to repentance. Simply leave and continue to pray that God will reveal to them what He wants them to see.
5. They may respond with an excuse like “I was tired/stressed out” or “It must have been PMS.” Those may be reasons something happened, but they don’t excuse the sin. These explanations should follow or be followed by true repentance before you offer forgiveness.
6. They may counterattack or try to evade. This shows that they are not receiving the rebuke.

If repentance comes from the mouth of the offender, be prepared to offer back words of forgiveness. If the offender chooses not to repent, don’t become hostile or upset. Thank them for their time. Let them know that you are available if they want to talk about this again in the future. Walk away. Choose to continue to walk in love with this person, and look for ways to serve and bless them. Continue to pray for them to find repentance. Don’t gossip about the situation.

WHAT ABOUT TRUST AND BOUNDARIES?

Jesus commands us to love and forgive, but He doesn’t command us to trust. Jesus did not say that we have to go back to trusting someone in order to prove that we have forgiven them. Often times, people will use trust as a way to manipulate you. They will say, “If you really forgive me, you would trust me” or “if you really forgive me, you would let me________.” This isn’t true. When someone commits a serious sin against us, they have taught us not to trust them. They have demonstrated that trusting them is not a safe thing for us to do. To repair trust, that person must do something to prove themselves trustworthy. It’s a process that takes time. It takes time to restore trust, and only the person who was offended knows what will be necessary for them to see in order to give trust again.

Boundaries may become necessary. Boundaries are not about judging the other person or about punishing them for what they did wrong. Boundaries are about limiting another person from being able to commit the same offense against us over and over again. They are a loving way to limit another person’s actions against us. Boundaries should reflect what was freely given in the past, but what we now know isn’t safe to give. They should also reflect the seriousness of the offense. Let’s say you lend a friend $50. They promise to pay you back, but then they go several pay days without talking to you about it or paying you back. You wouldn’t necessarily confront them right away, but at some point, you’re going to confront them about the money. At that point, a loving boundary would be to not loan them money again. You may give them money as a gift, but you’re not going to loan money expecting them to pay it back until they have demonstrated in some way that they have earned the trust for that loan. An inappropriate boundary, or a boundary that doesn’t match the seriousness of the issue, would be to cut them out of your life completely. That probably is an over-the-top response to not being paid back, but it might be a necessary boundary for a more grievous sin like abuse.

There may be times when horizontal forgiveness is not possible. Those times may occur if the person who offended you has died. It may happen when there is physical distance. Perhaps you can not find the person in order to confront them. It could happen when there is emotional distance. If that person has cut you out of their life, they are not in a position for you to be able to contact them and confront them about the offense. It could happen when confronting the person would be dangerous. If you are in a situation where confronting the person who offended you might result in danger, such as if you are confronting an abuser, make sure that God wants you to confront the person. He may not want you to offer rebuke. If He does direct you to confront that person, make sure you do not do so alone. Take someone trusted along with you to keep you safe.

ACTIVATION:

Vertical forgiveness refresher–

God, is there anyone I have been offended by? Is there anyone that I need to forgive?

Is there pain that I’m dealing with from an offense that I have forgiven or that remains unforgiven?

**If God reveals something to you, choose to forgive. Follow the steps and activation for vertical forgiveness.**

Lord, is there someone that I need to confront?

What is your heart toward this person? How can I agree with you?

What does it look like for me to confront them? What do you want to show me about that confrontation?

Is there some part of me that’s afraid to do this? Is there a reason that I want to avoid this that you want to talk to me about? What do you say about what’s in my heart here?

Are there things you would show me about boundaries for this person? Where would you put limits on my relationship with this person?

**As God answers these questions, continue with the steps of horizontal forgiveness of praying about when/where/how to confront the offender and binding Satan from the process.**